Your Nightmare, My Reality.

Recently, I've been having nightmares...
Not really just one nightmare per night, but a series of nightmares per night...

Usually, when I wake up the next morning, I'd forget everything on purpose. But when it goes on for several days in a row (*you know it intuitively)...

These nightmares are not the normal "I scare you, you die, you wake up" type of nightmares.... but things that are based on fluctuations in reality, as though an alter in reality would cause this cascede of events to happen...

So, to Richard... That nightmare that you experienced, is not something that individually happened to you, but was MY dream... some time ago...

It was my choice to ignore it... but when you wrote it down, it came back like a clear flashback...


As most of you know, I have the ability to alter my dreams into whatever I want, as long as I can control myself...
But, when I'm caught in doing something in a blur of emotions, or in a dillema, the dream just plays with or without me controlling it..

And thats what happened.

- house on the hill, I choose to sleep and wake up in the dream -

I wake up in rage... I only knew anger, hate, malice, spite and most of all, vengence... You all seperated me from the person I love, claiming that you did it for my own good...
I felt strength coursing through my body... I realize that this is not the present "me" because I could punch a dent metal doors as I stomped out of the lift...

Everybody was there... showing mocking looks of concern, like as though people at church truly cared.
What would they know about my love for a guy that they don't even know?

I pushed down the metal cabinet, and grabbed the metal pole. I swung it, and hit the wall. I saw something better. A knife.

I asked once. "What did you do?"
then i screamed and hit my "best friend" in the jaw before slashing him across the face.

All the girls ran to the corner. I couldn't care.

Nicholas tried and stop me, I flung him off like an insect. One by one everyone came, and I hit, stabbed and manuvered until I came to someone.
I couldnt even see properly coz everything was blur.

When I looked down, I realize that I actually killed Dominic in my rage...

Left and right was my best friends, Simon and Haryanto... they were lying in a pool of blood...

I fainted and everything went black...


I only wanted to die...



Does this explain your dream clearer?
This is just a summary...

It happened a long time ago... like last month...

But your entry triggered back an explosion of memories....


Frankly, my faith is extremely unstable... to the point of giving up everything...

I don't know who to trust, what to do or what is right or wrong anymore...

I just want to slam my door and turn my back on everything and everybody.... and hide in one corner and become invisible...


I don't know why you're a spectator in my dream, or why you're there... but all I know is that... something is wrong...


......



I know I'll never do something like that in reality, but I already feel a growing distrust and dislike for some people in the church....

I always feel like I'm truly not one of "them".

I call them friends, when I don't even know what is going on...

You all can never understand the conflicting feelings that keep raging within me everytime I enter church...

A homosexual christian?



I don't want people to feel ashamed about having me as a friend already.

worse, I dont want them to feel ashamed about having me as an enemy...